@ArfMeasures
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
@shash_____
Threaten a British person by holding a biscuit in a cup of tea until it breaks off whilst keeping eye contact.
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@ArfMeasures
@internetmo
No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch
@squirrel74wkgn
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
@MomofTeen
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
@TheCiscoKidder
I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.
@captainkalvis
Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water
Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster
@envydatropic
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
@UnFitz
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
@markydoodoo
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
@WeissBrandon
When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away