[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
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my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
channeling her this year
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed