@shash_____

Threaten a British person by holding a biscuit in a cup of tea until it breaks off whilst keeping eye contact.

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@ArfMeasures

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

@internetmo

No, actually I’d love to hear about last night’s episode of that show I just told you I don’t watch

@squirrel74wkgn

[human resources]

Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?

Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot

@MomofTeen

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

@TheCiscoKidder

I knew it was time to vacuum when the baby rolled over and looked like an everything bagel.

@captainkalvis

Priest: I will now dip the child in the Holy Water

Me (just watched a hot dog eating contest): That makes em go down your throat faster

@envydatropic

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

@UnFitz

Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

@markydoodoo

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

@WeissBrandon

When I see a couple and the women’s pregnant. I always walk up and YELL “why don’t you tell him who is really the father.” and walk away