[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
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The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
I think I’m having a stroke
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.