(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Monica just destroyed the internet