(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Cats are still liquid.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
5 ways to appear taller
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
Teach your children to beatbox
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.