Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
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Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Somebody call the cops.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
selfie game
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks