*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

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Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.


me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it


Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies


If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.


Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.


Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.


Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.


I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.


“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
Me: “You have ice?”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”