@pittdave13

*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank

Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy

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@kidphonic

Fear of hospitals isn’t irrational, I went to 1 once for a stomach-thing & I’ve had a kid following me around calling me “mom” ever since.

@iwearaonesie

me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it

@BeagirlNJ

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

@LuvPug

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

@RobWeb79

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

@ceejoyner

Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.

@mejustbeth

Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.

@ilovepie84

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.

@Storminika

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”