My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:
1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions
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“I probably shouldn’t have said that out loud”
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
I always carry a flashlight with me. That way, if someone locks me in their car trunk, I can entertain myself with cool shadow puppets.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My boss really hates that I shortened his name to Dick…. Especially since his name is Steve
Wife: Wait here.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*