if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
when mom throws a party…
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.