Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
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My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Not all heroes wear capes….
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.