Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Three things are guaranteed in life
3- always asking your dog who’s a good boy
You Might Also Like
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Me: Will you marry me?
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)
Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night