Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
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i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.