Three things are guaranteed in life

1- death

2- taxes

3- always asking your dog who’s a good boy

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Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.


I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”


HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor


marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.


Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.


Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right


Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)


Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”


Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies



Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night