@ilovepie84

Three things are guaranteed in life

1- death

2- taxes

3- always asking your dog who’s a good boy

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@naazihah

Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@AdamBroud

HER:I love Tolstoy’s take on the human moral struggle
ME:*Trying to impress* See I prefer Tolstoyee 3 where Woody was in the trash compactor

@OrdinaryAlso

marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.

me: goo goo gah gah

marriage counselor: no.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

@smithsara79

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

@JimCarrey

Time 4 the 3rd debate, the political eqivalent of driving past a street corner several times to make sure u choose the least skanky ho! ;^)

@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”

@dumbbeezie

Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies

Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD

@OfHella

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night