@PhilJamesson

three things we don’t talk about

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@therichards5

[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?

@sexorpizza

Friend: Hey guess what?

Me: What?

Friend: No, guess!

Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.

@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W:

@weismanjake

If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic

@KaptainKoRnie

Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.

@Mardigroan

If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.

@mack44_d

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

@FredTaming

doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long