[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Friend: Hey guess what?
Friend: No, guess!
Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.
Wife: I lost my day planner.
Me: Not in your briefcase?
W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.
M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda
If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic
Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.
Work faster, whiskey.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long