three things we don’t talk about
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Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?