@PhilJamesson

three things we don’t talk about

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@SJSchauer

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

@BuckyIsotope

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@Browtweaten

Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time

Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges

@LEDawes

Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.

@aidanjsears

ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no

@KissabiX

Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive

@climaxximus

me: I want to be handsome like my dad

friend: is your dad handsome?

me: no but he wants to be too

@huntigula

when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”