Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
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TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
You got acute appendicitis ..
No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
[First day as a beaver]
Me: My back molar’s really sensitive
Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque
Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”