three things we don’t talk about

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[looks at text from 2 days ago]

Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?


Friend: Hey guess what?

Me: What?

Friend: No, guess!

Me: I don’t need this friendship that bad.


Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda



If you run into someone you know and they say “we should hang out sometime” just say “I’m ready to hang out right now” and watch them panic


Bf and I are on 2 completely different emotional planes right now.

Work faster, whiskey.


If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.

I know that now.


I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.


doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible

me: what’s the good news

doc: you won’t need it for long