three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol