@Eden_Eats

Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.

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@liv_thatsme

HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:

Hi, I’m your server.

“Our son got a degree!”

Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?

@JermHimselfish

Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?

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@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

@PuncherJetpack

“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
“C’mon NERD!”
Grandma PLEASE stop

@JBusch260

“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers

@xodeadlykissxo

Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

@Marlebean

Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …

@sixthformpoet

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.