HOW TO RUIN A GRADUATION DINNER:
Hi, I’m your server.
“Our son got a degree!”
Wow! I have a Master’s. Wanna start w/ some chips & salsa?
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
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Do you think Lil’ Wayne went to the tattoo parlor and said “Make my face look like an 8th grade girls trapper keeper”?
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
“Hey bro shotgun this beer”
No I don’t drink
“You wanna be cool don’t you?”
I don’t drink
Grandma PLEASE stop
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
SHE WANTS TO DISCUSS HOW COOL PHOEBE IS, RIGHT?!