I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
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noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?