*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
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Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I want this so bad
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency