Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.