Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings

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*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–


Dr: What are some of your hobbies?

“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”

Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.


Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting


I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.


hiking is this great activity where u drive to a beautiful place and then spend an hour staring at the ground 2 make sure u don’t fall over


The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park


Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.


Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.


I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.