@ddsmidt

Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.

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@JoshuaTurek

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

@englishjer

Btw it’s the year of the pig – not pork or bacon. Pork is the meat, and bacon is a thin strip of pork from specific area of the pig. Also, there can be other types of bacon, like turkey or Kevin.

@jonnysun

DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city

@roxiqt

[God creating bees]

ANGEL: We already have wasps

GOD: Take away their anger

ANGEL: okay

GOD: And make them chonky

ANGEL: what

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys

@jakob_huber

“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

@TheBoydP

Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!

@jessokfine

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?