Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
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Btw it’s the year of the pig – not pork or bacon. Pork is the meat, and bacon is a thin strip of pork from specific area of the pig. Also, there can be other types of bacon, like turkey or Kevin.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[God creating bees]
ANGEL: We already have wasps
GOD: Take away their anger
GOD: And make them chonky
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys
“Get me another beer, boy”
“Dad I’m an adult. My name’s Bobby”
“It’s time you knew the truth boy. The 2nd & 3rd B’s in your name are silent”
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I hated facial hair at first, but then it grew on me!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.