Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

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I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch


7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.


Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.


My brain: You really think you can just study the night before and pass?



What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?


I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.


I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.


billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.


*puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*


*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*


I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.