@jimmytorosian

Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.

You Might Also Like

@treydayway

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

@MrsCupcake79

7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.

@BonesHer

Few things are creepier than someone saying “I know” after you introduce yourself.

@RidiculousDak

My brain: You really think you can just study the night before and pass?

Me:

@rcromwell4

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

@Stella1070

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.

@molly7anne

billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.

@TomTheWicked

*puts kid in tub*

*checks twitter*

*forgets about kid*

*tweets*

*remembers kid*

*finds kid-shaped prune floating in tub*

@karanbirtinna

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.