Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
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I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.