Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.