throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
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Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.