[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting