BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table