Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?