Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
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Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
I want what they have
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?