Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
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Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Sheep
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
The French cow says MEUX…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
I’m aging like a fine banana
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?