Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Accurate
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Oops
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.