Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
peep davidson
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.