*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
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God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?