[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
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My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
#NeverForget
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
damn he’s good
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.