[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”
-Vin Diesel eating a purse
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.