*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

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[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.


They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.


I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke


are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked


DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.


“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”

-Vin Diesel eating a purse


Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.


I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.