@briancthayer

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

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@BoomBoomBetty

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

@arresteddev

They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.

@debon7

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke

@IamEnidColeslaw

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

@blade_funner

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

@iRowlf

“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”

-Vin Diesel eating a purse

@HomeWithPeanut

Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.

After kids: My mind is a steel colander.

@ParaJanitor

I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money…uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.