*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
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The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
So inspired right now.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?