I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
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Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job