I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
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[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Feels like there should be a middle ground
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.