*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah