*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
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Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.