*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

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me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*


“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”


Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit


Patient: “How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten what?” Doctor: “Nine…”


Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.


Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?nTeller: well, yes!nn*Teller shot in the head*nThief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?nMe: No. But my wife did!


How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7


*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form


If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.


HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they say

ME: That’s interesting

HOT GIRL: No it isn’t