*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
They’re not wrong
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
If looks could kill
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.