@AbbieEvansXO

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

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@imence2

Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”

@slamdancenance

I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.

@brennadine

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

@louisvirtel

You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.

@Marlebean

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

@TuSoonShakur

[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!

nala:

simba:

nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?

@HeidiCF8

I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.

@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

@kevinrowe1

This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.