*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

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Head says “Forget about her.”

Heart says “Tell her u love her.”

Bottle of whisky says”Ride the cat around the house & you’ll feel better.”


I do the pee pee dance anytime I hear running water just like any other human.


At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”


You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.


Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.


Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure


[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]

simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!



nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?


I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.


doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease


This kitten is just what my house needed.

Another female that doesn’t listen to me.