*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
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Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
same energy
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.