*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
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my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”