Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
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Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no