*throws bread at her feet*

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Judge: on what grounds?
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.


Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.


JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid


*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”


I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.


My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]


HER: omg are you playing with that damn potato again

ME: don’t listen to her Mashleigh she’s just jealous of what we have


My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.


There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat


If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho