Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Air conditioning – not a fan
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!