Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
My yard is full of bear traps cos I’m a bit weird about sharing milkshake.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.