*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
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Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Worst bar ever.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Not even remotely sorry.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.