@seamusmckracken

*Throws caution to the wind*

*gets covered in caution*

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@ThugRaccoons

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

@david8hughes

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

@3sunzzz

Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-

Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.

Me: colored diamond.

@thedailymarker

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

@DanMentos

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

@Rockenden

My yard is full of bear traps cos I’m a bit weird about sharing milkshake.

@Aimiekins

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

@CrissieC

I just found a half eaten hotdog inside of a Mr.Potatohead in the hamper. Living with a toddler is like living with a tiny hammered person.

@conanobrienswyf

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

@chrisanna4real

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.