*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’


I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”


if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up


[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”


Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?


If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!


Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.


angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life


angel: helped others


angel: did all u could


angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt


People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.