@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

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@patnspankme

Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@P_o_n_k

BANK ROBBER: Alright, nobody move!

JELL-O MAN: I promise I’m trying to stop

@MooseChuckleTag

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

@shariv67

Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.

@AimeeHelene1

I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.

@LackOfShame

Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”

Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “Well, Mrs Jones, you are eating for two now!”

Kate: “I’m pregnant?!”

Doctor: “No. You have a tapeworm.”

@bazecraze

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

@freudianscript

My therapist told me I can ask him anything I want. So I asked him, ‘How does my lack of progress make you feel?’