@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

You Might Also Like

@OwensDamien

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

@vineyille

I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”

@rad_milk

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

@justabloodygame

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

@SentenceReduced

Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

@WICKEDTRUTH01

If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!

@cosmicbibi

Research shows your medication is 879% more effective if you drink a 6 pack and a bottle of wine first. Also, I changed my name to Research.

@mrjohndarby

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

@sokangarude

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.