@BrainFumbles

[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine

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@khyisfly

when he says he loves all your imperfections but you didn’t know you had any

@kaichoyce

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

@LoveNLunchmeat

Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.

@MorticiaKate

Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching

@marinarachael

My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.

@CulturedRuffian

* on a date *

Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?

Me: I’m on a diet.

Date: So what will you order for dinner?

Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.

Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!

Me:

@maurex23

“I like Trump because he isn’t a politician.”

Right, because whenever my toilet breaks I call my electrician.

@ReticentTurnip

As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks

@T_Bonezzz_

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!