[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You Might Also Like
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Expect the unexporcupine.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My friend is an excellent librarian.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.