@david8hughes

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

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@tomatopasties

Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter

@sihamese

Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO

@nedostup

Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.

@ginadivittorio

Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…

@Torgo_phylum

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

@Tbone7219

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

@fro_vo

SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then

@jeffswarens

Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.