[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

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Just joined one of those Ashley Madison type websites. It’s called Twitter


Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO


Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.


Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…


Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great


On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.


SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
CAESAR: say 15th then


Talking on your cell during church isn’t good, but if you use blue tooth hands free they just think you’ve got the spirit.