Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
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“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”
-Vin Diesel eating a purse
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.