met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? ๐๐
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[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Pretty sure itโs easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I donโt mean to brag, but Iโm pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery Iโve done, Iโm a doctor now.
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
Classic German Shepherd ๐
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. ๐
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
โItโs not my fault I keep losing my gloves.โ
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satanโs agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
Canโt. Iโm cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it โMaking my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.โ
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You canโt have a popsicle in the car. Youโll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”