So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
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By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.