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@noogscorner: *throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
@FeelingEuphoric: [being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
@jlock17: Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would've paid to see that.
@HatfieldAnne: Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
@Owl_Meat: [In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we're taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we're in quite the pickle
@Dawn_M_: I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.