*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
You better watch out
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.