@FeelingEuphoric: [being chased by killer] ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

@jlock17: Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would've paid to see that.

@HatfieldAnne: Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

@Owl_Meat: [In a cucumber submarine] 1st mate: *inspecting leak* we're taking on saltwater captain Cptn: hm yes looks like we're in quite the pickle

@Dawn_M_: I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.