*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
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The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.