@DillDoes

*throws king crab into tank of normal crabs*
Go, lead them to freedom, this is your birthright

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@walks_on_legs

Hm, want to use firecrackers but not wake the neighbors. I know, I’ll light the firecrackers inside a container! Like this megaphone here!

@MomofTeen

I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.

@thegreatnanak

*lying in bed
This is life. I don’t think I’ll ever get out of bed again.

*five minutes later
I gotta pee.

@MCaparco

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@tastefactory

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@BigShankkz

Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?

Me- Wished I was an adult

@ClichedOut

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

@HollyMemphis

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”