[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
こいつ天才
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…